Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen (2009)

Up until last week, I thought I understood popular culture. I knew reality television would never produce anyone but absolute cretins. I believed celebrity gossip to be a driving force behind the spread of mankind's stupidity. And I accepted no film would ever bludgeon my senses like 2005's Stealth, the Jamie Foxx actioner about a talking plane that turns evil.

And then I saw Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen and suddenly the whole world unravelled before my very bleeding eyes.

Where to start? Perhaps by pointing out that the film's robots (and I'm including the so-called humans in this category for reasons that become clearer with each chunk of moronic dialogue mumbled between explosions) are as soulless, boorish, lumbering, clunky, hulking and unnecessary as the film itself.

Granted, this is a franchise based on a toy line (and an inane one at that) and the first film could only be considered passable in a guilty, check-your-brains-at-the-door kind of way, but my God, Revenge of the Fallen is dumb, even by Transformers standards.

It's pointless dissecting the acting, casting, music, cinematography or direction, as all are as subtle as a cannonball to the face. Quite simply, it's a film where the only thing that's special are the effects, and even those are little more than a forgettable mishmash of pixels.

There's a scene towards the end of the film where, for reasons too moronic to explain, a Decepticon is seen climbing one of Egypt's Great Pyramids. As the camera pans up to reveal the robot, the audience is treated to a bird's-eye view of a pair of giant wrecking balls clanging together. Transformer testicles. Proof positive Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen is utter bollocks.

At least I still have the undeniable, unquestionable, irrefutable assumption that no film this vapid will ever become a box office hit. Oh.

24: Season 7 (2009)

Spoilers for 24: Season 7

After succumbing to a touch of the swine last week, and being faced with the horrific prospect of watching daytime television, I figured it was the perfect opportunity to catch up on real-time torture-fest 24, which I'd somehow neglected about a third of the way through its seventh season.

Having painfully watched one of my favourite shows jump the shark in its sixth year, I had hoped Day Seven would mark a triumphant return to form. Sadly, this season was little more than a mixed bag.

First, the pros, led by Annie Wersching's Renee Walker, one of Jack Bauer's most worthy counterparts. If 24's audience were combined into a single character on the show, Walker would be it. Initially disgusted by his controversial and brutal methods, Walker is unable to deny that Bauer gets results. In a season of fumbled character arcs, hers is the most authentic, and her final scene points to a genuinely interesting future for the character.

Walker's increasingly conflicted morals, in addition to President Allison Taylor's strong anti-torture policy, provided a surprisingly weighty analysis of the merits and disadvantages of torture.

Speaking of President Taylor (Cherry Jones), she proved herself to be 24's third best president ever (let's be honest: no one will ever top David Palmer or Charles Logan). Even lumbered with an iffy subplot involving the President's daughter ordering a hit on one of the season's main baddies, Jones ensured the Taylor was one of the most balanced and down to earth characters on the show. I look forward to seeing more of her next season.

Props, too, to Will Patton and, in particular, Jon Voight, for giving us two of 24's best villains. Voight lent to Jonas Hodges a kind of gravitas not seen on the show since Dennis Hopper served up a nice big leg of ham in season one.

Sadly, though, Day Seven was still plagued by the kind of clumsy, contrived plotting that's marred several of the show's earlier seasons. Key among these was Tony's resurrection and subsequent character motivations. Sure, 24 has never been an exercise in character studies, but when Jack confronts Tony during the season finale and tells him that his late wife Michelle would never have approved of his vengeful actions, it only served to highlight how absurd his character arc has become.

Oh, and don't get me started on Kim Bauer's far-fetched airport antics. Even though Elisha Cuthbert is so hot it makes my eyeballs burn, it's simply painful to watch her encounter misfortune absolutely everywhere she goes. It's like watching a Wile E Coyote sketch... whenever she appears, you know there's trouble brewing.

Once again, though, it falls to Kiefer Sutherland to keep the whole damn thing together. The man never gives anything less than 110 percent to his performance as Jack Bauer, and his apparent inability to age makes him all the more convincing in the role. His slow yielding to the effects of the bioweapon that was the season's central MacGuffin gave his character a much-needed dose of humanity, even though he will be predictably revived in the hours following the season finale.

Ultimately, though, the season was plagued by some clumsy, stop-start plotting and an underdeveloped conspiracy arc that was never fully realised. With season eight rumoured to be the show's last, here's hoping the sun sets on a better Day.

Free Agent (2009)

They say you shouldn't judge book by its cover, but the sleek, polished, retro UK dust jacket of Jeremy Duns' debut thriller Free Agent perfectly captures the superb novel lying within.

Free Agent's slow-burn opening chapter (which can be read on the publisher's website) is punctuated by a shocker of a twist that sets the tone that this is no ordinary spy thriller. You can leave any preconceptions about glossy, straightforward Bondian escapades at the door; Free Agent is a bold and refreshing take on the familiar spy genre.

Set in 1969, Free Agent is the first in a proposed trilogy of novels featuring Paul Dark, an MI6 agent whose complicated past suddenly returns to haunt him. When a defecting KGB colonel promises to deliver information to the British about a traitor in their ranks, Dark discovers that a career-changing classified mission he undertook during the final days of the second World War was not all that it seemed.

Dark's mission takes him to Nigeria during the height of the Nigerian Civil War, a rich, untapped setting for a spy novel. Duns paints a vivid picture of the brutal conflict, fleshing out his novel with well-researched chunks of history. Each page drips with atmosphere, as Duns transports his readers to Nigeria's seamy sixties underbelly.

The ace in Duns' hand, though, is his central character. Paul Dark is a fascinating, morally ambiguous protagonist, who remains conflicted by his past allegiances, crimes and loves. Free Agent is told in the first person, providing the reader with a natural insight into the character's actions.

To say much more would be spoiling what is a terrific spy thriller built on tight, fast-paced plotting and genuinely surprising twists. Free Agent's quasi-cliffhanger ending points toward another superior spy novel in Free Country. A must-read for fans of the spy genre.

“I will be missed.”

The Today Show's Richard Wilkins made the big-time this week when his embarrassing coverage of the supposed death of Jurassic Park star Jeff Goldblum was featured on The Colbert Report.

Goldblum was shown the cringe-worthy piece of journalism on Colbert's show and concluded he must be dead after all, before proceeding to eulogise himself.

Great stuff, but a sad indictment on the state of journalism. In an age of websites, blogs and social media, where anyone can spread falsehoods as swiftly and as accurately as a game of Chinese whispers, it's truly a rum state of affairs when these sick hoaxes aren't researched before appearing as fact on national television.

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Jeff Goldblum Will Be Missed
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Naturally, the whole charade prompted Media Watch's Jonathan Holmes to give Wilkins a well-deserved bollocking on air.

Meanwhile, talk show host Jimmy Kimmel hit the street with the question everyone's been asking: where were you when you found out Jeff Goldblum was still alive?