Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen (2009)

Up until last week, I thought I understood popular culture. I knew reality television would never produce anyone but absolute cretins. I believed celebrity gossip to be a driving force behind the spread of mankind's stupidity. And I accepted no film would ever bludgeon my senses like 2005's Stealth, the Jamie Foxx actioner about a talking plane that turns evil.

And then I saw Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen and suddenly the whole world unravelled before my very bleeding eyes.

Where to start? Perhaps by pointing out that the film's robots (and I'm including the so-called humans in this category for reasons that become clearer with each chunk of moronic dialogue mumbled between explosions) are as soulless, boorish, lumbering, clunky, hulking and unnecessary as the film itself.

Granted, this is a franchise based on a toy line (and an inane one at that) and the first film could only be considered passable in a guilty, check-your-brains-at-the-door kind of way, but my God, Revenge of the Fallen is dumb, even by Transformers standards.

It's pointless dissecting the acting, casting, music, cinematography or direction, as all are as subtle as a cannonball to the face. Quite simply, it's a film where the only thing that's special are the effects, and even those are little more than a forgettable mishmash of pixels.

There's a scene towards the end of the film where, for reasons too moronic to explain, a Decepticon is seen climbing one of Egypt's Great Pyramids. As the camera pans up to reveal the robot, the audience is treated to a bird's-eye view of a pair of giant wrecking balls clanging together. Transformer testicles. Proof positive Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen is utter bollocks.

At least I still have the undeniable, unquestionable, irrefutable assumption that no film this vapid will ever become a box office hit. Oh.

24: Season 7 (2009)

Spoilers for 24: Season 7

After succumbing to a touch of the swine last week, and being faced with the horrific prospect of watching daytime television, I figured it was the perfect opportunity to catch up on real-time torture-fest 24, which I'd somehow neglected about a third of the way through its seventh season.

Having painfully watched one of my favourite shows jump the shark in its sixth year, I had hoped Day Seven would mark a triumphant return to form. Sadly, this season was little more than a mixed bag.

First, the pros, led by Annie Wersching's Renee Walker, one of Jack Bauer's most worthy counterparts. If 24's audience were combined into a single character on the show, Walker would be it. Initially disgusted by his controversial and brutal methods, Walker is unable to deny that Bauer gets results. In a season of fumbled character arcs, hers is the most authentic, and her final scene points to a genuinely interesting future for the character.

Walker's increasingly conflicted morals, in addition to President Allison Taylor's strong anti-torture policy, provided a surprisingly weighty analysis of the merits and disadvantages of torture.

Speaking of President Taylor (Cherry Jones), she proved herself to be 24's third best president ever (let's be honest: no one will ever top David Palmer or Charles Logan). Even lumbered with an iffy subplot involving the President's daughter ordering a hit on one of the season's main baddies, Jones ensured the Taylor was one of the most balanced and down to earth characters on the show. I look forward to seeing more of her next season.

Props, too, to Will Patton and, in particular, Jon Voight, for giving us two of 24's best villains. Voight lent to Jonas Hodges a kind of gravitas not seen on the show since Dennis Hopper served up a nice big leg of ham in season one.

Sadly, though, Day Seven was still plagued by the kind of clumsy, contrived plotting that's marred several of the show's earlier seasons. Key among these was Tony's resurrection and subsequent character motivations. Sure, 24 has never been an exercise in character studies, but when Jack confronts Tony during the season finale and tells him that his late wife Michelle would never have approved of his vengeful actions, it only served to highlight how absurd his character arc has become.

Oh, and don't get me started on Kim Bauer's far-fetched airport antics. Even though Elisha Cuthbert is so hot it makes my eyeballs burn, it's simply painful to watch her encounter misfortune absolutely everywhere she goes. It's like watching a Wile E Coyote sketch... whenever she appears, you know there's trouble brewing.

Once again, though, it falls to Kiefer Sutherland to keep the whole damn thing together. The man never gives anything less than 110 percent to his performance as Jack Bauer, and his apparent inability to age makes him all the more convincing in the role. His slow yielding to the effects of the bioweapon that was the season's central MacGuffin gave his character a much-needed dose of humanity, even though he will be predictably revived in the hours following the season finale.

Ultimately, though, the season was plagued by some clumsy, stop-start plotting and an underdeveloped conspiracy arc that was never fully realised. With season eight rumoured to be the show's last, here's hoping the sun sets on a better Day.

Free Agent (2009)

They say you shouldn't judge book by its cover, but the sleek, polished, retro UK dust jacket of Jeremy Duns' debut thriller Free Agent perfectly captures the superb novel lying within.

Free Agent's slow-burn opening chapter (which can be read on the publisher's website) is punctuated by a shocker of a twist that sets the tone that this is no ordinary spy thriller. You can leave any preconceptions about glossy, straightforward Bondian escapades at the door; Free Agent is a bold and refreshing take on the familiar spy genre.

Set in 1969, Free Agent is the first in a proposed trilogy of novels featuring Paul Dark, an MI6 agent whose complicated past suddenly returns to haunt him. When a defecting KGB colonel promises to deliver information to the British about a traitor in their ranks, Dark discovers that a career-changing classified mission he undertook during the final days of the second World War was not all that it seemed.

Dark's mission takes him to Nigeria during the height of the Nigerian Civil War, a rich, untapped setting for a spy novel. Duns paints a vivid picture of the brutal conflict, fleshing out his novel with well-researched chunks of history. Each page drips with atmosphere, as Duns transports his readers to Nigeria's seamy sixties underbelly.

The ace in Duns' hand, though, is his central character. Paul Dark is a fascinating, morally ambiguous protagonist, who remains conflicted by his past allegiances, crimes and loves. Free Agent is told in the first person, providing the reader with a natural insight into the character's actions.

To say much more would be spoiling what is a terrific spy thriller built on tight, fast-paced plotting and genuinely surprising twists. Free Agent's quasi-cliffhanger ending points toward another superior spy novel in Free Country. A must-read for fans of the spy genre.

“I will be missed.”

The Today Show's Richard Wilkins made the big-time this week when his embarrassing coverage of the supposed death of Jurassic Park star Jeff Goldblum was featured on The Colbert Report.

Goldblum was shown the cringe-worthy piece of journalism on Colbert's show and concluded he must be dead after all, before proceeding to eulogise himself.

Great stuff, but a sad indictment on the state of journalism. In an age of websites, blogs and social media, where anyone can spread falsehoods as swiftly and as accurately as a game of Chinese whispers, it's truly a rum state of affairs when these sick hoaxes aren't researched before appearing as fact on national television.

The Colbert Report	Mon - Thurs 11:30pm / 10:30c
Jeff Goldblum Will Be Missed
www.colbertnation.com
Colbert Report Full Episodes Political Humor Jeff Goldblum

Naturally, the whole charade prompted Media Watch's Jonathan Holmes to give Wilkins a well-deserved bollocking on air.

Meanwhile, talk show host Jimmy Kimmel hit the street with the question everyone's been asking: where were you when you found out Jeff Goldblum was still alive?

Oscar sees double in 2010

Hollywood will congratulate itself twice as much in 2010, thanks to yesterday's announcement that the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences will double the Best Picture field from five to 10 nominations at next year's Oscar ceremony.

"After more than six decades, the Academy is returning to some of its earlier roots, when a wider field competed for the top award of the year," said Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences President Sid Ganis. "The final outcome, of course, will be the same – one Best Picture winner – but the race to the finish line will feature 10, not just five, great movies from 2009."

It's a strange move for the Academy, and one that is almost certainly a response to last year's Oscars, which were criticised for overlooking acclaimed genre fare like The Dark Knight and WALL·E.

The last time 10 movies were in the running for Best Picture was in 1943, when Casablanca took home the award. The following year saw the field restricted to five nominees, an imposition that's been in place ever since.

While mainstream films like Pixar's Up – currently enchanting critics the world over – are likely to benefit from the new rules, the widened field will probably only result in the inclusion of a couple of token popcorn flicks that, while critically hailed, have a snowball's chance in hell of actually winning. Such additions may, however, popularise an awards ceremony that is increasingly under fire for only recognising a certain type of film, which may be precisely what the Academy has in mind with this revamp.

In wonder at Alice...

I try to keep this blog for review-ish posts and my Twitter feed for pointing out odd nuggets of pop culture that catch my attention. However, I couldn't resist highlighting these stunning pieces of concept art for Tim Burton's upcoming film, Alice in Wonderland.

If ever there was a story seemingly tailor-made for Burton's eccentric style, Lewis Carroll's Alice's Adventures in Wonderland must be it. The kooky director looks to be on top form here, coming off the back of the fantastic Sweeney Todd.

In a word, the art is breathtaking. These character images perfectly capture the bizarre dystopia dreamt up by Carroll for the Alice books.

Be sure to check out USATODAY.com for an interactive look at some of the artwork for the film.

Burton's Alice in Wonderland is a live action/stop motion/motion capture adaptation set 10 years after the original stories and sees the title character return to Wonderland with no recollection of her first adventure there. The usual Burton stalwarts are all set to appear, including Johnny Depp, Helena Bonham Carter, Alan Rickman and Christopher Lee. They are joined by Mia Wasikowska as Alice. The film will be released in glorious IMAX 3-D.

Brokenclaw (1990)

Yes, folks, it's another ho-hum 007 novel by John Gardner. Admittedly, Gardner himself cited Brokenclaw to be possibly his weakest Bond novel, written as the novelist was recovering from major surgery.

It's hard to argue with Gardner's assessment, as Brokenclaw manages to be a pretty forgettable James Bond adventure; it's evident whatever passion the author had for the character during For Special Services, Icebreaker and his other early, more exciting efforts, is on the wane.

Here, Bond comes up against the enigmatic Brokenclaw Lee, who my paperback copy rather lamely describes as "half-Chinese, half-Crow Indian, all evil". Gardner takes a leaf out of Fleming's book (that book, specifically, is Goldfinger) and has our favourite secret agent first encounter the villain purely by chance while on leave in Vancouver.

Brokenclaw gets off to a pretty dark start, as Bond helplessly witnesses the death of an FBI agent at the hands of the villain's henchmen, but it soon slips into more formulaic territory. 007 is teamed with a token girl and the pair go undercover to infiltrate Brokenclaw's mob in a bid to stop him from selling top secret British submarine technology to the Chinese government.

Gardner's Bond is a more two-dimensional character than Fleming's, possibly because of the success of the more simplified film incarnation. Brokenclaw's supporting cast is a decidedly mixed bag. While the title character is one of Gardner's better realised villains (even with his kooky deformity: two right hands), Bond's lady ally Chi-Chi is entirely unmemorable. 007's boisterous American ally Ed Rushia gives the proceedings a shot in the arm, and the novel does benefit from being devoid of any contrived plot twists, a hallmark of the Gardner instalments.

The novel is nearly salvaged by a gruesome final act in which 007 and Brokenclaw withstand horrific torture alongside one another as a test of endurance. While it would be unjust to draw a similar comparison with reading Brokenclaw, it's clear that Gardner's heart just wasn't in this one.