My top five cinema pet peeves

What kind of a world do we live in where people cannot silently watch a movie? We've all paid $10 to sit in a darkened theatre and catch the latest release - we're all in this together. All I'm asking is that people do nothing for two hours. Consider that for a moment. Do nothing. Just exist. That's all I ask. Is that too much trouble?

Watching Defiance last weekend, it occurred to me that people seem to be completely unable to grasp such a straightforward concept. It's only for 120 minutes; a microscopic slice from the pie of life.

Admittedly, we watched the film in the basement screening room of the Princess Theatre; the acoustics of this tiny cinema meant that a pin dropping sounded like the roof was caving in. Even so, the noises eminating from some of my fellow cinemagoers could have been heard in the vast vaccuum of outer space.

Based on this experience, I present my top 5 motion picture pet peeves.

1. Talking. Obviously, this is the most common gripe, but also the easiest to solve. Step 1: close your mouth. Step 2: keep it closed. The couple behind us in Defiance were nattering away throughout the film as if they were in their living room, not surrounded by 80 complete strangers. There are several different breeds of cinema-talkers:

• The Line Repeaters: If a character says something you like or find amusing, there's no need to repeat it. We were all there. We all heard it. And it sounded a lot better coming from the trained actor onscreen than it did spilling from your gob.
• The Plot Clarifiers: Possibly the most excusable reason for cinema-talking, but there needs to be a line drawn. Let's say, three clarifications per film. A great twist in a movie can be completely cheapened when the dunce two rows in front of you exclaims, "Ohhhh... it's the guy from the start!" two minutes after the fact.
• The Subtitle Readers: Unbelievable. Do you sit at home and read a 600-page novel aloud? Do you flip through the Safeway catalogue and recite the specials to strangers? Do you vocalise every road sign you pass? It's like being stuck with someone who considers unneccesary narration a hobby.
• The Irrelevant Conversationalists: These are the ones who, I theorise, aren't even aware they're in a movie theatre. Physically, they're fifteen seats along in the tenth row of Cinema 2. Mentally, they're sitting at home, drinking at the pub, wandering around a shopping mall, or any number of places where it's perfectly acceptable to discuss their new washing machine, or verbally remind themselves that they have to call Frank later on, or any other pointless exchange that really doesn't need to be shared at all, let alone during a movie.

2. Using a phone. Fortunately, people seem to have finally paid attention to the notices prior to a film that suggest they ought to put their mobile phone on silent. Unfortunately, those same people seem oblivious to the fact that when they flip open their phone to send a text during a crucial part of a movie - as some girl did during the scene-setting pre-titles sequence of Quantum of Solace - they may as well have brought a full-size lighthouse that desperately tries to steal your attention from the screen. And you just know the contents of that text are pitifully unimportant.

3. Noisy eating. Who decided that popcorn was the food of choice for cinemas? I bet whoever it was reads subtitles. Crunch, crunch, crunch. Scrunch. That was the sound of someone wrestling open a bag of M&Ms with all the grace of a human being who hasn't developed opposable thumbs. That may just be the crux of the problem. The thing is, it is possible to eat popcorn and candy quietly. I propose a system whereby one needs to pass a simple exam that entails sitting in a soundproof room with a small popcorn, a packet of Starburst and a small Coke (crucially, with a straw). If you can polish those off without unwrapping, chewing or slurping over a predetermined volume, congratulations: you've earnt your candy bar licence.

4. Inappropriate laughter. Up until Defiance, I probably would have lumped this in with talking. But Defiance changed all that. Following a bit of light-hearted banter between a couple of characters that prompted some wry laughter from the audience, one character solemnly lamented - by subtitles - that "Jews are only good for dying", at which point the woman behind me continued to laugh. I'm sorry; were you following? Do you understand those subtitles you've been reading aloud?

5. Leaving rubbish behind. Not specifically related to cinemagoing, but still, possibly one of the laziest displays I've ever seen. The effort required to carry an empty cup and a plastic wrapper to the nearest bin is unlikely to burn off the calories consumed from the products they once contained, but every little bit counts, right?

Existence. And a little bit of cleaning up after yourself. I'm not too demanding, am I?